I have had OCD to some degree for most of my life. Over the years it has shown up in different ways, but it has always been there. For the most part, I am now able to live with it quite easily and successfully, but it hasn’t always been that way.

My OCD was probably the worst when I had my first child.

Instead of being able to enjoy my new baby, I was overcome with terrible thoughts of ways that I could harm her if I “lost control”. These thoughts were unwanted, but once I had them, I couldn’t let them go. I felt guilty and thought that I was a terrible mother to think such things.

The only way I could seem to control these thoughts, and get anything done, was to count them. By numbering them, I felt as though I had controlled them in some way, and they wouldn’t completely take over my mind.

Being home alone with my baby, when I used to work full-time, was a huge adjustment for me. My husband and I had also moved into a new house while I was pregnant and there were too many things that were new and different from my old, comfortable life.

I became more and more anxious and depressed and I struggled to understand why this was happening to me. I read articles and books on OCD, and met with a wonderful psychologist. My psychologist let me know that what I was experiencing wasn’t all that uncommon and hearing this was a huge relief.

I started to realize that one of the reasons I was having such thoughts, was because I was completely responsible for my baby when she was in my care.  Having had no experience with babies, I was so unsure of myself.  Anything could happen! Anything from something minor, like forgetting to change her at a certain time, to something major, like the crime I had seen on Law & Order the night before. I feared what might happen if something went wrong, and being a chronic worrier, I always feared the worst.  Fear would paralyze me from doing anything constructive because I was so afraid of making a mistake and having the outcome be my fault.  This was magnified to the tenth degree when it came to my baby.

The biggest help, and the way I got through this period, was to let people I trusted know what I was going through.  Telling my husband was difficult, but once I did, he admitted to having similar fears.  Hearing that was another huge relief.  Just knowing that I could tell him what was on my mind got it off my mind.

I didn’t fixate so much on my scary thoughts if I knew I could share them.  Sharing them also helped me see how irrational and unrealistic some of them were.  Sometimes I would purposely think of something good that could happen that was equally unrealistic, which helped put the bad thought in perspective.

Two years later, I had my second child.  During the pregnancy, I was afraid the same thing would happen again. I am happy to say that it didn’t.  I still had OCD symptoms in many areas of my life, but not when it came to scary thoughts and my baby.  I had experience now taking care of a baby, and seeing how well my toddler was doing gave me the confidence I needed to get through it the second time around.  I enjoyed it a lot more too!

If you are out there alone, suffering in some way from this condition, ask for help!  Talk to someone you trust.  You are not alone and you can feel better!

I was so sad when I first had my baby.  I felt like I should be happy, and that made it even worse.  My road to recovery began with getting information, sharing how I was feeling, and asking for help. It wasn’t easy, but each small step led to more confidence, and more steps, and more confidence…and less OCD!