This is a question I have heard over and over from OCD sufferers. Although I think it is generally best to discuss your OCD symptoms with your family members, so they can help you, some of my patients prefer not to do this, and often succeed on their own. I asked several of my patients to answer this question and give their reasons. Here are some of their replies:

“I have not told my family the details of some of my OCD thoughts because I’m not sure they would really understand to the full extent that I would need them to. And I am ashamed of the thoughts myself so I don’t feel like sharing them with anyone.”

“I have told my family members the details of my OCD because they can help if they understand what you’re thinking or going through. They can even help you make light of your thoughts and symptoms, though it may not seem so when you’re in the middle of your symptoms.”

“I have not told my family the details of my OCD. I did try to explain my OCD to my husband once several years ago, but did not label the issues OCD but just explained some feelings I had and that I was getting help for them. Now I justI try to consolidate all my symptoms to a specific time of day, usually the morning, and usually try to do something else at the same time like jog or walk, fold laundry or take a shower, so that my time spent away from my family dealing with these OCD issues is not as obvious.”

Have you told, or not told, your family about your OCD symptoms? Why or why not? And if you had it to do over again, would you make the same decision again?

You probably know that you shouldn’t be asking your family to help you do your rituals, or to give you reassurance about your obsessions, or to help you avoid things that trigger your OCD. However, these things can sometimes be hard to resist. Studies have found that the majority of family members do get involved in their loved ones’ symptoms, often on a daily basis (I describe this more fully in the newest edition of my book “Getting Control”. There are several big problems that result: (1) the family members felt more stressed because of this, but did it to reduce the OCD sufferer’s anger or distress, and (2) doing this actually keeps your OCD going, rather than helping you to control it effectively.

Do you know how much you are involving your family in your OCD symptoms? Try this questionnaire which was developed by Dr Linda Calvocoressi and her associates at Yale University and elsewhere to measure the amount of accomodation of OCD symptoms by families.

After you complete this questionnaire, you may want to discuss the results with one of your family members. It is often easiest to start controlling your OCD symptoms by having your family members take the first step – it easier for them because they don’t suffer the strong emotions of OCD.

Please add your comments about your experiences with family accomodation.

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It can be very hard for us to get inside other people’s heads and experience what they are experiencing. For example…

Here are some descriptions that some of my recent patients told me about what their OCD symptoms feel like when they are stuck in the middle of them:

I feel extremely anxious like I am coming out of my skin. I feel remorse and guilt for having the thoughts. I don’t see them just as thoughts but as something I might take action on and that is frightening. I also feel isolated from the ‘normal’ world.

When I am in the middle of my OCD symptoms, I am anxiety ridden and fearful. I get so consumed in my symptoms that hours can go by and I have gotten nowhere.

It feels very focused, like I cannot access other things going on around me until I deal with my OCD thoughts.

And here’s what they most want their family members’ to understand about their OCD experiences:

“That the OCD is a function of something that occurs in the brain and the person with the OCD cannot help having these thoughts and certainly did not consciously create them.”

“I think for me the most important thing for my loved ones to know is that I felt out of control and was afraid that something horrific would happen if I stopped rituals. It was not to aggravate them or to get attention from them, in my head it was to protect them and others.”

“Probably that their loved one who has OCD knows that what they are compelled to do is not ‘normal’ but that it is as natural of an impulse as the need to scratch an itch, though it feels more ‘mandatory’ than that. That they are doing what they feel they ‘need’ to do, and that to get better they have to work through separating what is actual ‘need’ and what is OCD so that they can work on quieting the OCD impulses.”

Click here to view an excellent NY Times feature on OCD sufferers describing their own symptoms.

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It can be very hard for us to get inside other people’s heads and experience what they are experiencing. Recently the NY Times interviewed several OCD sufferers and asked them to describe OCD in their own voices.

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